Whenever the media interviews me they always want to know what are the key components to having a successful relationship. Usually I would answer good communication, trust, respect, and constructive conflict resolution skills. While these are important in having a good relationship, I now know what’s even more important is having a successful long term relationship is that both individuals in a relationship have the confidence that they can accomplish the following two skills.
The first confidence is having the ability that an individual can take care of himself or herself economically. They don’t need to rely on another adult for their economic security. They have the skills that will allow them to have a job where they can support their life style. They don’t need another adult/parent to take care of the basic needs such as rent, food, car and other basic expenses. They can support themselves.
The second confidence is that an individual can live on their own emotionally. They aren’t afraid to live alone. They can live with a roommate, but they don’t have to be with a significant other.
It’s critical that both individuals in a relationship have achieved both of these confidences before they live together or get married. This is not to say that you can’t develop these confidences that you can take care of yourself economically and emotionally after the fact of commitment. It’s just a lot easier before you start to live with someone.
When either of these confidences aren’t met it sets up the condition of dependency within the relationship. Dependency within an adult relationship poisons the love between the couple. When an adult is dependent on another adult it creates a great deal of resentment, which gets in the way of their love for their partner over time. It might feel wonderful at first to have someone who will take care of you, but after awhile they will resent the task and you will resent the power they have over your psychological or physical well being in the world.
When dependency enters a loving adult relationship it blocks the formation of healthy intimacy both emotionally and physically. A dependent individual avoids taking any psychological risks because they don’t want to jeopardize their security positions. Without psychological risk dependent individuals seek a false sense of harmony and avoid communicating their emotional truth. Without risk the experience of being in love and passion fades over time.
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